I noticed that seeing people has gotten really hard, or maybe I just stopped prioritizing it. I don’t think this is a brand-new problem, since I remember my parents not really prioritizing their social lives when I was a kid too. But I think the problem is getting worse and worse, and starting earlier than ever; if you don’t actively try, it’s very easy to become isolated nowadays.
In order to figure out how to start getting back into the habit of gathering regularly, I wanted to start by exploring some of the problems that got us to where we are, and an easy idea for how to combat them. Every week I’ll dive much deeper into these problems, the people who are successfully gathering despite them, and easy blueprints & ideas you can steal from them to start gathering more.
Here’s a look at 15 challenges that are making it harder to get together regularly and an easy idea to try to combat it:
The defaults disappeared
CHALLENGE 1: Connection stopped being built in.
What happened: Church, offices, clubs, and neighborhoods used to put us in the same place at the same time.
What to try: Join one thing that repeats, and go at least 3 times before quitting. A first step can be joining and committing to attend, rather than having to host or start a group.
CHALLENGE 2: Every hangout needs someone to initiate and make a plan.
What happened: Every time you want to hang out with a friend, you have to initiate, make a plan, and reach out; the barrier feels high, so nobody does it.
What to try: Make it recurring, so you only go first once. Every Sunday, go for a walk, grab coffee, or do a yoga class with 2 friends; instead of setting the plan up once, set a regular cadence and lock it in. Make the plan easy and something you’d do anyway just with a friend.
CHALLENGE 3: We drive everywhere.
What happened: Car-dependent places mean fewer chance run-ins, and driving to meet up adds 30+ minutes in most cases, making it hard to fit in hangouts without a big time block.
What to try: Plan a regular low-effort event with your neighbors. People a few blocks away are the easiest to make last-minute, low-effort plans with, but you have to meet them to do that.
CHALLENGE 4: Work went remote.
What happened: Many of us lost daily coworkers when we went remote or hybrid. Instead of using the commute time we saved to see friends IRL, we end up working more or scrolling instead.
What to try: A standing coffee or coworking morning with someone local, or a morning walk with a neighbor who works remotely.
CHALLENGE 5: We move away from our closest friends and family.
What happened: As work and school took us to new cities, or starting our own family or buying a house brought us to the suburbs, our family and many of our closest friends are often far away.
What to try: Try calling your far-away friends and family while you’re on your way to pick up/drop off, going on a walk, or grocery shopping. Make a group chat with your far-away friend group or family, give it a name, and start sending weekly recaps every Friday night. Schedule a yearly trip at the same time every year; you could switch off staying with each other or go somewhere new together every year.
Life got fuller and pricier
CHALLENGE 6: It got expensive.
What happened: A casual dinner can become a $100 night minimum, making it really expensive to make plans.
What to try: Do a potluck, bring your own dinner, grocery shop with a friend, join a local gym together, or go for a walk. Basically, do what you’d already do, just add a friend to keep costs down.
CHALLENGE 7: Our calendars are full.
What happened: Work, kids’ activities, and errands fill every gap. Add extensive morning routines & side hustles, and it feels like there is no time for anything.
Solution to try: Add people to something you already do. Invite a friend to the park with your kids, go for a walk with the other parents during baseball practice, go to the gym together, or co-work at a coffee shop together.
CHALLENGE 8: Life stages fall out of sync.
What happened: New parents, empty nesters, and caregivers often lose their usual rhythms. And if a lot of your friends move to a new stage and you're in the previous stage, it can be just as hard.
Solution to try: Find new people at your life stage by joining new groups, or ask an acquaintance at the same stage to do something. Or mix stages on purpose, be intentional about an activity that welcomes multiple stages like going to an outdoor mall with a play area, so child free adults and families can hangout more easily.
Our habits shifted
CHALLENGE 9: Everything has to look nice.
What happened: Social media turned gatherings into something to photograph. So now, if you have a messy house or no house at all, don’t have time to get ready/cute, or don’t have the time/money/skill to set up some elaborate tablescape, you’re scared to host or suggest plans.
Solution to try: Plan a movie or game night, no makeup, dress code: PJs or gym clothes, everyone brings their own dinner or a snack to share. Meet somewhere neutral and free, like a local park, so everyone can just throw away their trash and leave; no hosting necessary.
CHALLENGE 10: We optimized everything but people.
What happened: We plan our mornings and workouts, not our relationships, and by adding so many additional expectations to our lives, we lost time to connect with people or see that as a valuable use of our time.
Solution to try: Pick one or two people goals for the year; bonus: see if we can attach a people goal to another goal, like working out, work, or a hobby, to build community while getting something else done.
CHALLENGE 11: It became too easy and too normalized to cancel last minute.
What happened: It’s too easy to cancel now; you used to have to call a house line, but now you can send a quick text 5 minutes before the event starts.
Solution to try: Protect a standing plan like a work obligation or event. You can’t call out sick because you decided you were a little tired or you found a better plan for the day. Treat your plans with people outside of work the same way; if you say you’re going to go, go.
CHALLENGE 12: Screens feel almost like enough.
What happened: We see an Instagram story and feel like we know what our friends are up to, but we didn’t even text them. We also started following influencers who make us feel like we chatted with a friend, even though we don’t know them.
Solution to try: Trade 2 hours of scrolling a week for an activity with friends. When you see a friend's update online, text them and make a plan instead of just reading it and moving on.
We got out of practice
CHALLENGE 13: We’re afraid to ask.
What happened: Research on the “liking gap” suggests people like us more than we think after a conversation. We stopped trying to make friends, so we’re scared to ask someone new to hang out, but to turn an acquaintance into a friend, you have to hang out, and without school or work making proximity easy, you have to put in the effort.
What to try: Send the invite you’ve been sitting on, or you’re afraid to send. If you meet someone new and hit it off, grab their number and make a plan.
CHALLENGE 14: We skip acquaintances.
What happened: We think it’s close friends or nothing, but casual connections matter and are where friendships start.
What to try: Learn three names at a place you already go. Get someone’s number next time you see them at school drop-off, the park, yoga class, or the office, and make a plan to hang out. Alternatively, start going to a group regularly and force yourself to go at least 3 times to make some new acquaintances.
CHALLENGE 15: We get used to hanging out with people just like us.
What happened: In school, you’re surrounded by people your age, your major, or your sports/clubs, etc. Then you graduate, and the world isn’t neatly sorted like that anymore.
What to try: Invite one person older, younger, or different from you to hang out. Get to know a few neighbors or co-workers who aren’t exactly like you. Challenge yourself to invite a group of neighbors or co-workers out for a regular walk or coffee.
I hope you can scan the list and that a few of the challenges and ideas to try resonate with you. I’ll write in depth on each of these topics and share easy blueprints inspired by people who have figured out how to make IRL hangouts a regular part of their life despite these challenges.
Which one hit closest to home? Hit reply. I’d love to know.
Same time next time,
Katie